Hello.

I only went to pop the kettle on and now it’s 378 days later.

I didn’t intend to put my blog to sleep for a year but life kind of got in the way.  I’ve been asked countless times why I stopped writing, which was lovely as it meant that people had noticed.  I haven’t really given it up, I just needed time to figure out what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.  I don’t want to be just another “mummy blogger” cliché.  I don’t particularly want to write successful tales of pureeing or sell out and review things that I really don’t care about.  I don’t want to fuss about stats and awards or pander to the self-appointed hierarchy that exists within the blogging world.  I just want to feel that rush of thought, the whirl of words in the mind, the grab of the laptop, the scribbled notes during the night.  That passion and thrill that comes from reading something back and thinking “that was pretty good!

I’m lucky to live in a town that surrounds me with talented, creative and interesting people.  It’s those people who inspire me but also make me feel very average and, frankly, dull.  On complimenting a friend on his musical talent recently, his reply was “……and you’re good at….well…..(*pause*)….producing small people”.  It was meant as a genuine compliment, one of admiration and a little bit of envy.  But, I took it quite badly.  I actually cried a little bit when I got home.  Is that really all I am now?  Is it common to feel like this when you’re mother to two very small children?  Does anybody care to know anything about ME, where I’ve lived, what I’ve done?  Do I even have a name or am I just Mummy?  The comment made me feel so lost, so invisible, lonely and trapped in this no man’s land of sacrifice and giving. My confidence is on its arse.  Even I refer to myself in the third person.  “Mummy said don’t stick your face in the bin!”.  It’s a repetitive, ridiculous game of ‘Simon Says’.  “Mummy said put your hat on, Mummy said eat your dinner.”  I caught myself doing it when I was alone in a room, not a child in sight…..”Mummy’s putting her shoes on….”

At the same time, I remind myself how lucky I am.  Ahead are a few years of giving every fibre of my being to some little people, strengthening their wings until they’re ready to fly.  If I have to give up my identity for that, what could be more worthwhile?

I need to get my ‘oomph’ back, forget the exhaustion, ignore that my body’s in tatters and that I have zero spare time.  I need to get a little bit of confidence back, to feel that I do have something to say.  To feel that I’m actually a person in my own right.

And I want to write some stuff.

I’m Lynn.  Hello.

 

 


10 Comments on “Hello.”

  1. Karen Bilton says:

    Welcome back Lynn! X

  2. Welcome back. So much of this resonates with me. I’m at the point of putting the kettle on and walking away. Blogging lost.
    Who knew having children was so rewarding and in so many ways – soul destroying isn’t the right term. Confidence crushing. Is it me? Or is it how others see me??

    • Feel the same. I think it’s just how we see ourselves because parenthood makes you a bit lost. I’ve no idea what I’m supposed to look like or how I’m supposed to be. I’m 3 years in and still feel like it’s day 1!

  3. 4and8 says:

    You are not only a mother Lynn, you are a funny, strong, insightful, thoughtful, cool, compassionate, interesting, intelligent, organized, creative and damn right enigmatic woman! Its easy for me to say from the outside, but to me you haven’t lost yourself to motherhood, because all your characteristics and life experiences helped to make you a mum, they make you, you. When I returned to Leigh last year, you were one of the first people I met to make me see my hometown for what it is. I thought it can’t be all bad if someone like Lynn lives here. I am a total fan girl of you without the creepy stalker element..woo! I spend most of my time saying what have I got to show for myself now I’m 30? I don’t lead a conventional ‘successful’ life, I don’t earn what I think I’m capable of, I don’t always write what I want to be writing. My success is about making it through the day when brain and body would otherwise not. It takes effort to see the good in the small stuff, it takes a strong will and determined character…which is what I see in you. Reading your blog and comment last week, you reminded me what a marvelous, creative and brave thing it is to be a friend and to talk openly about life experiences. Most people can’t do that, but you do. x

  4. Sarah says:

    Welcome back! I went through the whole needing to find something more than being my kid’s mum a year ago and I discovered photography as my thing. Just as an enthusiastic amateur but it’s something that makes me feel proud. My husband blogs (Every Record Tells A Story ) to give him the creative outlet he doesn’t get through his City banking job, so it’s not just us Mums who feel that frustration. I look forward to reading more of your posts!

    • I love his blog! I’d never have guessed he was a banker by day. My husband is too, though my toddler thinks he’s a train driver which is far more socially acceptable!
      I have a DSLR that I’d dearly love to learn to use properly, a course is on my to do list. Do you post your work on a blog or Instagram etc?

  5. Marion says:

    Yeahy! Welcome back!
    I remember when you were that little person. You were then and you still are ….. pretty awesome! Xx

    • Oh, thank you. We had an idyllic childhood, didn’t we? I often think about how I can possibly give Camille and Alexander similar. I think of it all with such fondness, mostly the time spent with you x

  6. paulap says:

    Yay she’s back! Missed your writing! You should not put yourself down lady . As your neighbour (and friend i hope)you always seem infinitely much more of a cool hip mum; who is always doing something much more interesting than me ! We are very good at denigrating what we do but as i always say to you; this time will fly and before you know,you will have lost them to school ! You definitely reap what you sow and will see the benefits of your parenting a thousand times. Being a mum is the best job in the world and i never begrudge that time, despite having a million projects i want to do…they can wait. Keep writing and being yourself ! 😁X

  7. Steve says:

    Yeay! That little number 1 just appeared on my RSS feed under the “Awesome Personal Blogs” category! Could it be a new blog post after all this time…?? Yesssss!

    “MUMMY SAYS WELL DONE LYNN, WELCOME BACK”


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